I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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