Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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