He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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