FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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