Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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