it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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