So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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