Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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