i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
