I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Randomize
