I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I puked a lego.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
