i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
