Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
