i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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