the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
