the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Dignity is for republicans.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
