anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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