Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
