He disabled his match.com account in front of me
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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