i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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