This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
