watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
being pregnant is like rehab
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
