No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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