i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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