I CAN MOONWALK!
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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