I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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