I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
