guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Just pee around me
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
