News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
