Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Drake has all the answers
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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