I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
