We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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