Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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