Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
