i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
