did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
