you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
