I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
