The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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