I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
