No awkward lesbian experiences without me
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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