its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.�
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
