when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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