Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
