I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
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