I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
