dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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