so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
