fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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