somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
